Crochet Peens

What can I say about Mr. Pinky and Friends? These crochet peens aren’t the turgid, thrusting steel rods of the romance industry but soft, cuddly, amiable yarn creations. They go on adventures, they make friends, and they love having their photo taken. Some of them even join forces to save the world (the Peenvengers)!

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MEET SOME CROCHET PEENS:

ANTPEEN

The smallest and hollowest of the Peenvengers, Antpeen is known for his ability to get into small spaces without anyone noticing. So far he has not mastered “Giantpeen” mode.


THE BRAIN

Since there’s only one Mr. Pinky, this guy is totally The Brain. Plus he’s super smart. His handler’s even smarter (scientist lady). And he’s in your pants.


CAPTAIN AMERIPEEN

If you like your peens earnest, sincere, and muscular, Captain Ameripeen is going to be your new best friend! But you have to be nice to Bucky.


HULK

So recognizable, Hulk doesn’t need the “peen” added to his name for everyone to know what he is and what he stands for. His best little buddy, incidentally, is ANTPEEN. Do you want to be Hulk’s buddy?


IRONPEEN

He’s a salty, wild troublemaker with an attitude that just won’t quit! He’s also got the best thrusters this side of, ah, some thrusty factory that makes bigger thrusters for other factories, maybe. Team IRONPEEN ftw!


MR. PINKY

Sweet, small, shy, dreams of being the hero who gets the girl instead of the peen in distress, always needing rescue.


NICHOLAS O’DICK

So cheerfully colorful, Nick is what you’d call an alpha peen. He likes bubble wrap, collecting round things, and filling the world with spurts of great joy.


PEENVENGERS

These dedicated peens often save the world, despite their lack of opposable thumbs. Well, BW has some.


ROCKY

Rocky was one of the first peens created, after Mr. Pinky (the one, the only, the original!) Rocky has a very special secret that you can only discover if you give him a good shaking.


SHAFT

He’s multicolored, friendly, a Scorpio… Basically everything you want in a peen. And don’t tell me you don’t want a peen, because we don’t believe you!


THOR

Never was there a more godlike peen, nor one so equipped to wield the hammer Mjolnir! While he’s a little arrogant, Thor is still a good, cuddly friend. He’s also quite the asset to the Peenvengers.


I also wrote an article about crocheting Vampeen at: http://www.ismellsheep.com/2015/08/arts-crafts-with-authors-vampreen-with.html

FAQ:

Q) Why are you only making boy parts?
A) So far girl parts have defied my efforts at workable amigurumi with eyes and the ability to stand up straight. Also, more importantly, I don’t particularly want to mock girl parts.

Q) Are you for serious?
A) Last time I checked.

Q) Are the peens based on real life models?
A) Nunya.

Q) Where can I buy one?
A) I offer them for sale via Etsy, though beware that they don’t get created quickly. https://www.etsy.com/shop/CraftyMeanKitty Sometimes I will make one for you if you provide sufficient flattery AND pinky swear to send me lots of photos we can use on social media. Share the joy!

Q) Are crochet peens hard to make?
A) I see what you did there.

Q) Where can I get the pattern for one?
A) Google “crochet penis” like I did. These don’t conform to any exact pattern, for various reasons, but that should get you started.

Q) Why are you so dirty and vile and committing this mocking, yarny sacrilege of poor, downtrodden menz’ bodies?
A) Is that a question or a compliment?

Q) Does the fact you’re making mock of menz’  bodies mean you hate the romance genre or men or…?
A) No.

Q) Can I get them wet or use them to…scrub dishes?
A) No.

Q) What do I do when the peen you made me keeps looking at me funny and it’s creeping me out?
A) I suggest a blindfold.

Add your questions below!

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